A Lonely World

It’s 3:40am.  I’ve been up for over two hours.  Sleepless nights have become more common in the last few months.  Racing thoughts, irrational fears, rational fears, “what ifs” and “I wish I would haves”.  Medicine is often dark and heart wrenching.  Medicine is a lonely world.

Writing Again

I’m writing again.  Not out of want.  Out of need.  The burden of emergency medicine can be a difficult cross to bear.  Laws prevent us from telling much of what we see, hear, smell and feel. Only a few close comrades who are actual witnesses understand.  At least I hope they do.

Until It Isn’t

Most of my career has not been dreary…until it isn’t. Most nights I sleep well…until I don’t.  Most patients live….sometimes the burden is more real than I want to bear.

Don’t write about things in your journal we are told.  The lawyers can access it and use it against you.  I write in vagueness, hoping they won’t know who or what I’m referring to.  I secretly hope if I don’t write specifics that I will forget.  Most days I do…until I don’t.  Details wake me up.  “I wish I would haves” haunt me.

Kelsey provides a listening ear, a warm heart, a reassuring embrace.  She wants to know…sometimes I don’t want her to.  Sometimes it’s better that she doesn’t.  

I’m not suicidal in case you’re concerned.  I’m far from it.  A few sleepless nights are ahead.  I’ll bounce back.  I have before.  I’ll put on a smile for each patient.  They don’t know that the family next to them just lost their grandma…their brother…their young newborn. 

Should I be a Doctor?

People ask me if they should go into medicine. I have them come shadow me. It’s cool to watch someone get stitched up. I remember the first time I saw someone with a kidney stone.  They were in agony. I was in awe. Seeing a tragic accident or witnessing someone’s last breath can be horrifying, especially if you’re the one who was responsible for saving them.

A Lonely Game

Admist the chaos a glimpse of light. I shot a 67 last week.  9 birdies in one round, a new record for me.   Surely this joy will last.  I text my brothers.  I get a few thumbs up.  The next day, in a moment of reflection, one of them sends a different text…

Golf is a lonely game.

A Lonely World

New clubs came in the mail yesterday.  I got home from work at 8pm.  I see the box. Usually I’d open it.  Not tonight. Golf seems meaningless.  A sleepless night is ahead.  Medicine is a lonely world.

About the Author

I write a few paragraphs hoping to define myself. A few titles seem more meaningful than others today. Husband. Dad. Son.